I wish I had more time every day. Or maybe I just wish I was more effective with my time. There are so many things I am interested in accomplishing, and with a baby coming, I feel like I have limited time to do it in. If I don’t get it done before August, will it ever happen?
I’m scared of things changing. I have a strange relationship with change. Sometimes I need change; sometimes I thrive on it. At the same time, I struggle to accept change – I get nostalgic and sad. And I worry that I haven’t accomplished enough by this stage in my life. Why didn’t I take better advantage of all the time I’ve had while living in Georgia?
Why didn’t I learn to play the mandolin or actually learn to play the guitar decently? What about learning to sew? I don’t know. I guess I’m just feeling the pressure of impending responsibility. I guess it’s called adulthood and I should get used to it. Most people go through this stage of life a lot younger than this, so I really should be grateful for all the extra time I’ve had. And I am.
I just wish I had taken better advantage of it while I had it. I still have a couple of months, it’s true, but everything tires me out during pregnancy. After a trip to the grocery store, I have to go take a two-hour nap. It’s embarrassing but true. So I have dreams of making cloth diapers and baby wipes, of learning to make my own soap, of baking my own bread, and making my own yogurt. I want to make a total lifestyle change, apparently, and time is just running out.
Not to mention my worries of how my relationship with my husband will change. I mean, it already has changed some. How will I handle the changes that happen after the baby comes? I’ve had John to myself for three years now. I’m used to it just being us; I like spending time alone together, taking a day trip on a whim, cuddling at night, just being together. I guess I just worry. Probably for no reason, but I do it anyway.
One thing is for sure, so very much will change in August when we have this boy.
We only had 2 years before we brought a baby in the mix. and everything does change. but there’s still time for you, and there’s still time for you and John. plus, it opens up a whole new world of things to learn…like would you ever have wanted to learn to make cloth diapers and baby wipes before?
love ya.
And you’ll learn so much and try so much just because you have kids. i would NEVER have held a snake or a bird or fed a stingray before…but now that I have a five year old and I want him to experience new things, so I WILL do those things. I have.
I still can’t play the piano or guitar, and I don’t have my master’s degree like I’ve always wanted…but there’s still time for me. and there’s still time for you.
what’s up with hiding this blog from me?? But I found it anyway!
I am always feeling like that. Why have I been napping every day for the past few months instead of sewing, or working on other things I enjoy? I worry that I waste my life away.
And by the way, the GD sucks big time. Hating it.
Nora Lee – Thanks for the comment. It helps to know that other people who go through this find time later!
And you’re right, I never would have gotten into cloth diapers and wipes without this guy. So that’s a bonus.
Hillari – Well, I don’t hide this blog, I just don’t advertise it.
Good job on finding it. We’ll make it through pregnancy, and then find the energy (somehow) to tackle all the projects and things we enjoy. I hope…
Everything you’re thinking about and going through is called ‘nesting’. I really hate to be the one to tell you how normal you are. ;-p
That however doesn’t change the feeling of life coming at you full speed. The really cool thing about all of it, is as soon as that boy comes, you will realize it doesn’t matter if you can bake bread and make soap. You might even figure out as I did, that I can still buy it at the store and I am just as happy. ORRRRRRRRR someone will make it for you. hahah
Just breathe…the important stuff will get done. I promise. Time is pretty fickle. (Yes I realize this is odd coming from me, who cried like a nerd on my birthday. See I can be full of wisdom when it doesn’t concern myself!)
Thanks for letting me know I’m normal, Erin. Sometimes I wonder…
And I know the important stuff will get taken care of. I guess I’m just scared of losing me and the things I care about.
I have that fear also…and after being a mom for nine+ years, I still have that fear. It’s scary to go from being just ‘Holli’, to John’s wife, to Mother of a son, to a ‘traditional idea of ‘family’. Then you have to figure out how to be all four while maintaining what you feel, is your authentic self. It’s a journey. I am still trying to figure it out. LOL
I am still scared I have lost parts of me, but my mom gives me hope that I’ll get them back…I am just going to trust her. ;p
A boy!!! Congratulations! And oh, I am SO feeling this entry. I felt the same way, only I was far less rational about it – I didn’t fear our lives would change – I KNEW it and I was so depressed about it I was sick. WHen I was sitting on that table in labor, they told me to push and I jsut sobbed and wouldn’t because I just didn’t want her out – I didn’t want the change!! And the first few months were hell, although that was the postpartum depression and Brasil thing, but I’m normal again. I hit normal a few months after I was born – my body looked like I didn’t thin it would ever again, and I wept with joy. I didn’t think there would be light again, but I was just being fatalistic. What I’m saying it – worry away, but I promise after a little while, you’ll have as much cuddle time as you want and the ability to jaunt off wherever. in fact, babies are so dang portable before they move – they just stay in their car seat and sleep wherever you go – it’s awesome!
The yogurt thing is easy…get a Solton yougurt maker off of Amazon and the rest is cake, or yogurt….
4 c milk
1/2c powerderd milk
6-8oz plain yogurt with live active cultures to start (I like Horizon Organic, it’s got the Bulgarian bacteria in it.)
Heat the milk to no more than 110F, about 5 mins on the stove. When it has cooled down to room temp, add the yogurt and fold in, be very gentle so that you don’t kill the bacteria. Set your yougurt maker for about 6 hours, I find that this gives it the most “Bulgarian” of flavors. But if you want it more tart, cook it for longer, less tart, less cooking.
This will be very runny and you may want to drain some of the whey out, but it’s really good plain, or with fruit or however you want it. Save at least a half cup for your next batch.
The End.
Thanks Holli, That’s has been my fear then, but something must happen as a family man. I like the declaration of St Francis of Asissi ” Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can’t, courage to change the things i can, and wisdom to know the difference “. change is man’s constant companion. As man matures, he must be prepared to face it. Face fear and failure, they will motivate us to succeed depending how we view failures. Do not fear, and the death of fear is assured. I learned a lot of lessons from my mentor at kamja how man can be set free from the paralysis of fear. Once overcome, you become a warrior. Then you are ready to face the giants more than what we fear from day-to-day challenge. You can learn how to rev up your potentials and live a victorious life against all odds. However, something needs to give up. Sometimes, victory attains by surrendering right? We have to give out before we take in. Our priorities are sacrificed, I mean your personal pursuits, your luxury and pride. Anyway, those who are aggressive to make amends, they will go for it for the sake of their family and future. Wisdom tells us a difference, and I for sure would like to live a unique life one step ahead to the masses.