We fear change

I wish I had more time every day. Or maybe I just wish I was more effective with my time. There are so many things I am interested in accomplishing, and with a baby coming, I feel like I have limited time to do it in. If I don’t get it done before August, will it ever happen?

I’m scared of things changing. I have a strange relationship with change. Sometimes I need change; sometimes I thrive on it. At the same time, I struggle to accept change – I get nostalgic and sad. And I worry that I haven’t accomplished enough by this stage in my life. Why didn’t I take better advantage of all the time I’ve had while living in Georgia?

Why didn’t I learn to play the mandolin or actually learn to play the guitar decently? What about learning to sew? I don’t know. I guess I’m just feeling the pressure of impending responsibility. I guess it’s called adulthood and I should get used to it. Most people go through this stage of life a lot younger than this, so I really should be grateful for all the extra time I’ve had. And I am.

I just wish I had taken better advantage of it while I had it. I still have a couple of months, it’s true, but everything tires me out during pregnancy. After a trip to the grocery store, I have to go take a two-hour nap. It’s embarrassing but true. So I have dreams of making cloth diapers and baby wipes, of learning to make my own soap, of baking my own bread, and making my own yogurt. I want to make a total lifestyle change, apparently, and time is just running out.

Not to mention my worries of how my relationship with my husband will change. I mean, it already has changed some. How will I handle the changes that happen after the baby comes? I’ve had John to myself for three years now. I’m used to it just being us; I like spending time alone together, taking a day trip on a whim, cuddling at night, just being together. I guess I just worry. Probably for no reason, but I do it anyway.

One thing is for sure, so very much will change in August when we have this boy.

Baby stuff

So it turns out I don’t have gestational diabetes, which I am thankful for. After hearing everything my sister has to go through because of it, I’m very thankful. I still don’t have a side shot of my pregnant belly, but it’s definitely growing. (I’ll save this for another post, but I’m just wondering: why do people feel that it’s ok to tell a pregnant woman how big or small she is? It’s not ok, so don’t do it!)

In other news, John and I recently got the best deal at a yard sale. I’m so impressed with our haul that I had to share a picture. We went to a yard sale right at the end, and the lady had TONS of baby boy clothing. And they were all name brand items (not that I care about name brands, but they were quality items). Anyway, she gave us a big garbage bag and said it was $10 to stuff the bag full. So we did. Here’s what we came home with:

We already had clothing for under 12 months, so we focused on the 12 month to 2 year clothing. We ended up with:

• 2 jackets
• 12 pairs of socks
• 8 hats
• 11 pairs of pants and jeans
• 6 pairs of shorts
• 22 shirts and onesies

All that for $10. I was proud of our find. Our boy is practically set for clothing until past age 2, and we have so far only spent $10. I feel very blessed.

Short update

I get to go take a glucose test today. I’m so not excited about drinking a nasty beverage and then sitting there for an hour, waiting to find out if I have gestational diabetes or not. I hope the answer is not. My sister got diagnosed with it yesterday…

And in other news, my house is so close to being unpacked it’s unbelievable! I think there are about 10 boxes left. Hallelujah! This place is already more of home than our former apartment was after months of living there.

Anyway, I’m going to try to be better about blogging on here, though I may change the format up a bit. We’ll see.

moving, stress, and taking care of myself

How do you deal with stress? Some people thrive on it, accomplishing more and getting energized by it. Not me.

I am one of those people who cannot handle an overabundance of tasks to do at once – I freak out and simply withdraw from life for a while when that happens. I can accomplish only a limited number of things per day, so when my lists gets too long, I freeze up and get nothing done instead.

We moved to a new apartment on Saturday (Hooray! We finally found sub-leasers to take over our most hated apartment), so this week has been filled with cleaning, unpacking, calling utility companies, and extreme back pain. And then throw in a bunch of church stuff (Relief Society calling). In short, I’ve been stressed.

But this time I’m trying not to freak out. I’m just doing what I can do. And I’ve been struggling with some personal issues, so I’m trying to treat myself with care and realize that I’m ok the way that I am. For now, this is all that I am and all I have to give to the world, and that’s ok.

My heart also hurts for friends and family who are dealing with struggles of their own. Life can truly be hard, and I wish I lived closer to them to be more of a support and help. I can only send my love and prayers and trust that they are strong, amazing people and can make it through the tough times.

Take a minute to count your blessings today. We all have more than we think we do. I’m going to try and be more grateful for mine.

Pregnancy update

Reva asked how pregnancy is going for me, so I’m going to humor her with an update. Right now, things are great. I got really lucky and didn’t get the throwing up part of pregnancy. I don’t know if this is the reason, but I told myself that puking was unacceptable and I wouldn’t do it. And I didn’t. Except once when I had a migraine headache.

One of my biggest issues is that I’m so emotional right now. I cry about anything and everything. You know the movie Never Been Kissed with Drew Barrymore? Well, the ending is very predictable and cheesy. And I’ve seen it lots of times. But the other day I watched it, and at the end when the guy doesn’t show up to kiss her at the baseball field, I just started crying. How sad is it that she got her hopes up and he didn’t show up?! Never mind that one minute later he DOES show up and I knew that. I was bawling my eyes out.

The only other thing that has come up for me is that my changing body kind of freaks me out. I always though of pregnancy very abstractly, like it would never happen to me. And to be honest, I’ve never fully been comfortable with the idea of me being pregnant. But here I am, and my stomach gets larger and larger every day. I feel much less attractive, but I’m trying to deal with these feelings as I go.

things i don’t agree with

I don’t know what it is, but in some ways I become less and less mainstream each year that I live. I thought I was becoming your typical LDS – I finally got married, and now we’re expecting our first baby. But that wasn’t typical, either. I was 30 when we got married, and it took us three years after that to get to the baby. Two days ago I was feeling like I was becoming typical of every LDS person out there.

And then I get reminded that I’m not. I took a long drive yesterday and had time on my hands to think. When I passed by a truck that was overloaded with chickens crowded into tiny metal cages, I realized that I couldn’t stand to eat chicken if that’s the kind of treatment the chickens received.

And so John and I did some research on “free-range” chickens. Guess what? They typically aren’t treated any better. I was shocked at the way chickens are housed and handled. I had no idea. After researching several websites, I decided I didn’t want to eat chicken anymore.

That led me to wonder about the other animals I typically eat – beef, pork, turkey. From my research, I know that turkeys are treated just as brutally as the chickens. As for beef and pork, I haven’t been brave enough to check into it. I don’t want to give up meat. I am not the kind of person who believes it is wrong to kill and eat animals. But I do oppose the mistreatment of animals. I don’t eat veal or lobster for those reasons. Now it looks like chicken will be added to the list.

My only concern is eggs. I LOVE eggs so much. But the chickens that are raised to lay eggs are just as mistreated. So until I can buy a house and raise my own chickens to lay eggs for me (I’m serious about doing that, too!), eggs might be out of the question as well.

And I am seriously considering becoming a vegetarian and giving up all meat except for fish or wild game. Does that make me radical? To most of the world, probably not. But to my family and most of the people I associate with, quite possibly.

Anyway, if I do become a vegetarian, I’ll document it here and let you know how it goes. It doesn’t look like an easy lifestyle. But it just may become my lifestyle. If I can convince my husband, that is. He says I’m much more liberal than I think I am. I think he might be right.

My news

I have failed to mention here that in August, my husband and I will be having our first baby. My excuse is that pregnancy really makes me tired, so I never feel up to posting.

Anyway, the new baby is another reason we are eager to get out of the apartment we are in. It’s too small and isn’t the kind of environment we want our baby in. Although we have noticed that our neighbors have been a bit more considerate ever since John went over to their house at 1:00 in the morning and told them to turn down the music.

Otherwise, life is more of the same. John works night and day doing school stuff, and I work night and day trying to get this freelancing thing to pay the bills. I don’t know what we’re going to do when the baby comes!

faith that things will get better

Life has been a little better for me lately, even though we have been experiencing a great deal of stress because of our living situation. We didn’t like the apartment we are living in from the first day we moved in, but we had to sign a lease from Arizona. We just didn’t know what we were getting into before we saw it. Not only is it not a place we enjoy living in (putting it mildly), it is starting to cause a significant drain on our finances.

We have secured for ourselves a new place to live that is $200 cheaper per month!! The new place also has awesome neighbors, while our current place definitely does not. The problem? Our lease at this current apartment is not up until July 25th, and we cannot bear to live here that long. Not to mention that the cheaper place cannot be held that long for us.

So we have been advertising our place for sub-leasers, and we are praying hard that things will work out. If you are a praying person, any prayer you offered on our behalf would be much appreciated! I am not exaggerating when I say that our mental health will drastically improve the day we get out of this place. For our sanity, we have to leave.  

And I have been working very hard on securing new and better writing jobs. My goal is to double my income by the end of the month. I know, it’s lofty and I may be setting myself up for failure, but the truth is that I’ve been more productive this week than ever before. And even if my income doesn’t double, I can at least be sure that I did everything in my power toward making that happen. And if not this month, then soon!

bad mood day

Yesterday was a good day. I got a lot of work done, and I felt confident that freelance writing is still the career for me. Today I just feel tired. I woke up thinking that it was Saturday and was pretty bummed that it’s not.

It doesn’t help that I have to write four REALLY boring articles today, that I’m getting frustrated about some church stuff, and that I was offered a part-time job that pays a ridiculously low sum (but I’m considering taking anyway…I just don’t know!)

I’m tired of being poor. I’m tired of feeling like I’m working hard and getting nowhere. I’m just in a bad mood today, so I guess you should feel lucky you don’t have to interact with me anytime soon.

missing John and more blogs

My husband is in Arizona until Tuesday, and it’s so lonely without him. Plus he gets to visit with family while he’s there. I’m jealous.

While he’s there, I get to brainstorm about a lot of things. I acquired a new blog (I’ll tell you about it later.), which means I have to do some thinking – what do I want to do with it? How many blogs can I reasonably keep up? (I currently have 7 active blogs. That’s kind of a lot.) Do I want to cut down, or can I pick up the pace and keep all of them active?

Blogging is a hobby that I’ve been at since 2001. Some of my blogs are related to my freelance writing business, and some of them are meant to update friends and family. And others could potentially become money makers. So I’m going to assess my time and desire and go from there.

In the meantime, send me a comment or an email so I don’t feel so lonely here waiting for John to get back.

i hate headaches

I made the unfortunate discovery yesterday that I get migraines. I’ve gotten them in the past but just didn’t recognize them because I don’t get the spotty vision or the vomiting. (Even without those symptoms, I still suspected they were migraines because of how absolutely bad the headaches were. )

Yesterday, my migraine was accompanied by one of the classic symptoms: vomiting, which is my least favorite thing to do. I hope I never get another migraine again – it was a hideous experience.

And for those of you out there who get migraines, I know what you’re going through, and I feel so bad for you! Anyone know of any good treatments for migraines once you have it?

a truly great man

Those who are LDS know that President Gordon B. Hinckley passed away yesterday. I’ve been so emotional today. It’s very hard to say goodbye to someone so amazing as he was. I never got to meet him, but he spoke at my commencement when I graduated from college, and I’ve seen him speak several other times. Each time, I felt his his spirit and knew I was in the presence of a great man.

President Hinckley positively impacted my life and the lives of so many others. I’m really going to miss him.