The worst of times…

So it’s been a while since I posed here, and basically, I’m doing it now because I need to vent and fewer people I know read this blog. If you don’t feel like reading my mental word vomit, then move right along. Nothing to see here.

I think that in the littlest bird household, we’ve reached the end of our rope. It’s so hard to stay positive when hard things are happening to you, but we’ve managed to stay pretty upbeat given the circumstances. I don’t want to rehash all the things leading up to this post, so just imagine sickness, disease, car accident, multiple family members in the hospital, and the loss of the meager income we relied on. Those are some of the main things, though it doesn’t really scratch the surface.

Yesterday we recieved a miracle. Quite a big one, and I was overwhelmed with gratitude and humility. But then I looked at our bank account today. I’m tired of wondering whether we will survive beyond the next month. I’m tired of spending all my time either worrying or trying to boost my small income while taking care of a one-year-old and failing to keep our house from becoming the aftermath of a tornado. I’m tired of my husband being treated poorly by the people who should appreciate him.

Is any of this going to end? I don’t even know. I try to have faith that “things will work out” and that there’s something to be learned from this. You know what I’ve learned? That NOTHING can be counted on. You might have a good job and a big bank account right now (I don’t know that person, but theoretically), but tomorrow it could be gone. Your family members could be gone tomorrow. All you have is people and time right now.That’s an important thing to learn, I suppose.

But I still hate wondering if we’re going to be homeless next month. I’ve had about enough stress for one year. There don’t seem to be any jobs on the horizon to rescue us, either. I just don’t know what we’re going to do.

If you know me, you don’t need to ask how I’m doing. Because I’ll tell you right now: not good. And I’m tired of pretending otherwise.

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you’re at your best with an ache in your chest

I’m an intelligent person and I can be fairly self-aware, which is why I don’t understand why I’m so damn insecure all the time. Pardon my french. But it’s the way I feel tonight.

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i will get better

The doctor called to tell me that my hormones are not out of whack. They are completely normal. So that is not the reason I have had such emotional turmoil for the past few months. Perhaps it is the serotonin that is messed up in my brain.

I almost wouldn’t believe that there could be a simple, logical reason for such an illogical and emotionally painful condition. People sometimes ask me why I am depressed, but the truth is that I often don’t know. Other people don’t understand why I am so sad when my life is so blessed. And the truth is that I don’t know that either; that is part of the cruel irony of depression–that while the golden sun of good fortune is smiling its rays down upon you, you can’t feel it at all. I feel like I have missed out on beautiful and wonderful moments of my life because depression robbed me of my ability to see and know and feel.

I have finally sought real help (again) for this condition, because I don’t want to miss out on any more moments. I don’t want to look back and read page after page of sad and confused journal entries. I don’t want that anymore–not that I ever did want that, but now I realize I want something better, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get that something better.

So I wait for the treatment to kick in. I wait and I hurt and I fight back tears and pray. I am humbled. I wait some more. I know that one of these days the fog will start to lift and I won’t have to try so very hard to smile or appear happy. And perhaps there will be a magical day when I can just *be* and enjoy the beautiful moments of my life.

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dark day

My emotions have been all over today, but right now I am down. I woke up that way; must have been my dreams. But I feel so useless. So utterly pointless. I’m scared of some of the changes that are coming up in the near future. I haven’t blogged much about any of those changes, because…well, because. I will soon.

Anyway, it’s days like this that make me wish I had never heard the word depression before and didn’t know a thing about it. Just this morning I was feeling thankful for the things that depression had given me–things like compassion and patience. It has made me humble and brought me closer to God. For those things I am thankful. But right now I don’t feel so very thankful for what feels like a curse.

I’m off to spend time with a dear friend on her birthday. She’s a relatively new friend, but her love and understanding has helped me survive some dark days. Her capacity for compassion is incredible; I want to be like her when I grow up.

John is off doing some important things, but I can’t wait to see him tonight. His love for me is also quite amazing to me. Having someone love me that much has definitely helped me make it through the tough times. I will feel better soon, I know it. But I’m glad I have him to love me through it until I do.

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setting goals for my health

I wish I could find a doctor I had any faith in. I’ve been experiencing some vertigo/dizziness problems. I went to the doctor today because I am sick of this feeling.

She checked my ears for an inner ear problem and checked my eyes to see if it was a nervous system problem. I guess it wasn’t that, because her only advice was: “Rest your eyes every 15-20 minutes.”

Thanks. That’s $10 advice I could have dispensed to myself. My only other option is to go with the advice of my chiropractor, and drink a special detox beverage. She thinks my hormones are out of whack, and a good detox would clear things right up.

What do I think? I think I need to treat myself to a strict regimen of exercise 5x a week (no excuses!), and seek out a new counselor. The exercise because of all its healing properties, and the counselor because I need a sounding board and because I want to learn to think in new ways. Healthy ways.

I really think exercise is the key to many, many problems in life. Exercise is better than many (if not most) prescription drugs at curing ills. Why I’m not strict about doing it, I haven’t figured out. But that’s going to change. I’m going to treat exercise like a prescription. It takes longer than swallowing a pill, but I know for me it’s just as necessary.

So, along with my house-cleaning habits, I’m going to add exercise in.

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today is a gift

I’m exhausted. I’m mentally, emotionally, and physically spent and there’s pretty much nothing left. There are many explanations and reasons for why I am at this juncture, but what matters is this: it’s time to take care of me.

And on a happy note, it seems that I have lost 3 pounds. I had given up on trying, which may be the secret here. I’ve tried for overall healthy, and tried to be active, but I stopped counting every single calorie that I ate. And that’s when I finally lose weight…Interesting.

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sad

Sometimes life gives you really hard things, so hard you don’t think you can survive it. But somehow, in the midst of the pain, you do.

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blink and you miss it

I’m slowly moving out of the funk I was in. You want to know how I know?

Because I cleaned my kitchen. Because I want to take guitar lessons. Because I want to write poetry. Because I’m interested in people again. Because missing my husband (he’s in Kansas) doesn’t make me feel sad, it makes me feel alive.

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fast moving blues

I need a paper journal to record thoughts like these.

I can’t hold it together anymore. I realized that I am not working toward any goals, and I’m not accomplishing much of anything. I worry incessantly about things outside my control. I don’t do much about the things within my control.

I’m struggling. Not sure what to do about it. I want to run and keep on running. But I probably won’t.

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blue girl

I’m feeling a little better today. I got home yesterday and my husband had cleaned up the house, emptied the dishwasher, and taken out the trash. How wonderful is he? I knew those things needed to be done, but I just didn’t have the energy for them. I’m so blessed to have a husband who saw that I was struggling and did something thoughtful to help out.

My visiting teacher came over last night, and when she asked the requisite question, “How are you doing?” I responded with, “Great. Everything is fine.” And everything wasn’t fine. The ache in my chest was still there. When you come to my house once a month or so and stay for 15 minutes and then ask me how I’m doing, how in the world would you expect me to answer that question honestly? I’m just going to say everything’s A-OK. This is more a lesson to me than pointing a finger at her. I have visit taught many women and I probably missed out on how they were really doing because I didn’t take time to be their friend.

Anyway, I’m still not 100% back to happy, but I think I’m a little better.

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disclaimer

I’ve been so down lately. It’s really been a damper on my blogging, on my life, on my accomplishing anything at all. I don’t know what the deal is, but I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. And this is one of those weeks where hiding out isn’t very possible.

But I will make time for more episodes of LOST. We bought the DVDs on the 6th, and we are almost through the whole season. I’d like to take my time and enjoy each episode slowly. Then again, our impatience wins out because we can’t wait to see more of the story. We average 3-4 episodes per night.

Otherwise, I’ll be either busy or reading books. My mood is not going to allow for much else.

ciao,
Holli

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existential crisis

I feel like a failure today. I’m 31 years old. Thirty one! My accomplishments are few compared to many others. I know it’s not productive to think and talk this way, but I guess I thought I would be more by now.

I know there is something important for me to do in this life; I just wish I knew what it was.

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