Out of Control

It is entirely strange to have a body that does its own thing without any input from me at all. Pregnancy is strange. My abdomen moves around several times a day. My stomach continues to grow larger. There’s nothing I can do about it.

And most importantly, in roughly four weeks, my body will open up and birth a baby. I can’t stop it from happening any more than I can make it start. In all honesty, it’s a bit unsettling and somewhat frightening.

I know about biology. I know I did something to set this whole thing in motion. But after that one moment, I had no control over it anymore.

I don’t like the feeling of it being out of my control. I want to be ready to give birth before it happens. I’m just in a reflective mood tonight, I guess. I guess I need to accept the fact that most things in life are outside of my control. But really, it would be nice to at least have control of my own body. Right?

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We fear change

I wish I had more time every day. Or maybe I just wish I was more effective with my time. There are so many things I am interested in accomplishing, and with a baby coming, I feel like I have limited time to do it in. If I don’t get it done before August, will it ever happen?

I’m scared of things changing. I have a strange relationship with change. Sometimes I need change; sometimes I thrive on it. At the same time, I struggle to accept change – I get nostalgic and sad. And I worry that I haven’t accomplished enough by this stage in my life. Why didn’t I take better advantage of all the time I’ve had while living in Georgia?

Why didn’t I learn to play the mandolin or actually learn to play the guitar decently? What about learning to sew? I don’t know. I guess I’m just feeling the pressure of impending responsibility. I guess it’s called adulthood and I should get used to it. Most people go through this stage of life a lot younger than this, so I really should be grateful for all the extra time I’ve had. And I am.

I just wish I had taken better advantage of it while I had it. I still have a couple of months, it’s true, but everything tires me out during pregnancy. After a trip to the grocery store, I have to go take a two-hour nap. It’s embarrassing but true. So I have dreams of making cloth diapers and baby wipes, of learning to make my own soap, of baking my own bread, and making my own yogurt. I want to make a total lifestyle change, apparently, and time is just running out.

Not to mention my worries of how my relationship with my husband will change. I mean, it already has changed some. How will I handle the changes that happen after the baby comes? I’ve had John to myself for three years now. I’m used to it just being us; I like spending time alone together, taking a day trip on a whim, cuddling at night, just being together. I guess I just worry. Probably for no reason, but I do it anyway.

One thing is for sure, so very much will change in August when we have this boy.

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Baby stuff

So it turns out I don’t have gestational diabetes, which I am thankful for. After hearing everything my sister has to go through because of it, I’m very thankful. I still don’t have a side shot of my pregnant belly, but it’s definitely growing. (I’ll save this for another post, but I’m just wondering: why do people feel that it’s ok to tell a pregnant woman how big or small she is? It’s not ok, so don’t do it!)

In other news, John and I recently got the best deal at a yard sale. I’m so impressed with our haul that I had to share a picture. We went to a yard sale right at the end, and the lady had TONS of baby boy clothing. And they were all name brand items (not that I care about name brands, but they were quality items). Anyway, she gave us a big garbage bag and said it was $10 to stuff the bag full. So we did. Here’s what we came home with:

We already had clothing for under 12 months, so we focused on the 12 month to 2 year clothing. We ended up with:

• 2 jackets
• 12 pairs of socks
• 8 hats
• 11 pairs of pants and jeans
• 6 pairs of shorts
• 22 shirts and onesies

All that for $10. I was proud of our find. Our boy is practically set for clothing until past age 2, and we have so far only spent $10. I feel very blessed.

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Short update

I get to go take a glucose test today. I’m so not excited about drinking a nasty beverage and then sitting there for an hour, waiting to find out if I have gestational diabetes or not. I hope the answer is not. My sister got diagnosed with it yesterday…

And in other news, my house is so close to being unpacked it’s unbelievable! I think there are about 10 boxes left. Hallelujah! This place is already more of home than our former apartment was after months of living there.

Anyway, I’m going to try to be better about blogging on here, though I may change the format up a bit. We’ll see.

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Pregnancy update

Reva asked how pregnancy is going for me, so I’m going to humor her with an update. Right now, things are great. I got really lucky and didn’t get the throwing up part of pregnancy. I don’t know if this is the reason, but I told myself that puking was unacceptable and I wouldn’t do it. And I didn’t. Except once when I had a migraine headache.

One of my biggest issues is that I’m so emotional right now. I cry about anything and everything. You know the movie Never Been Kissed with Drew Barrymore? Well, the ending is very predictable and cheesy. And I’ve seen it lots of times. But the other day I watched it, and at the end when the guy doesn’t show up to kiss her at the baseball field, I just started crying. How sad is it that she got her hopes up and he didn’t show up?! Never mind that one minute later he DOES show up and I knew that. I was bawling my eyes out.

The only other thing that has come up for me is that my changing body kind of freaks me out. I always though of pregnancy very abstractly, like it would never happen to me. And to be honest, I’ve never fully been comfortable with the idea of me being pregnant. But here I am, and my stomach gets larger and larger every day. I feel much less attractive, but I’m trying to deal with these feelings as I go.

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