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Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

General rules about bugs

I’m trying to get used to the bug situation in Georgia. Seeing a bug no longer surprises me, but it still grosses me out completely. I’ve been known to start gagging just by seeing a dead cockroach or spider.

I thought cockroaches were the worst bug of all, but I was wrong. Cockroaches are disgusting, of course. Especially the one that FLEW through my kitchen and was longer than an inch. But I’ve decided spiders are worse. Spiders are squirmy and hairy and have those spindly legs…ewww. I shudder just thinking about it. Plus, they hide in your stuff, waiting for you to reach your hand into your bag and discover a spider lurking in there.

Okay, now that I’ve thorougly grossed myself out, here are Holli Jo’s bug rules:

1. It is never ok to smash a cockroach with a shoe or any other object. (Too crunchy.) It’s ok to smash earwigs and small spiders.

2. Holli will never use a tissue to kill a bug of any kind. No exceptions. John is totally welcome to do this if he wants (which he does), but NOT me.

3. Holli will also never use a tissue to transport a dead bug to the toilet. It’s John’s job. Or, if I’m desperate, I’ll use the dustpan. But best to wait until it bothers John enough to dispose of it.

4. Holli will also not pee in a toilet that contains a dead bug’s floating carcass, no matter what John says about saving money on the water bill.

5. Bug spray is the best way to kill a bug, and don’t be shy about spraying the life out of the bug. If it takes half a can, so be it. Also, if bug spray is not available, hairspray or household cleaners may substitute.

6. The best rule of all: move west! ASAP.

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stop the insanity

Do you ever want to tell someone about a funny story you heard, and then you realize it was something you read on somebody’s blog, and you don’t even know the person? That’s when you know you need to get a life.

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striped lobster

I’ll bet you are dying to know how the tanning salon went, aren’t you?

Well, imagine the whitest, ghostly person you can think of, and that’s me. I entered the tanning salon and found myself amongst bronze beauties. Boy did I feel out of place! The tan girl in front of me was assigned to a tanning bed for 12 minutes. The very tan attendant (whose ample bosoms, not adequately covered, were also very bronze) took one look at me and set the timer for 5 minutes.

It was weird. I felt entombed with a death ray that was slowly adding years to my skin. But that’s just me being overdramatic. I’ve always been opposed to tanning, especially tanning beds. My reasons are pretty shallow – I don’t ever want my skin to look leathery and old. It was news to me that tanning is used for medical purposes!

Anyway, after two sessions at 5 minutes, they felt I had moved up in the world and could handle 6 minutes. No problem, right? Ha! Let’s just say that certain parts of my body that never see the light of day are now bright red. I’m a lobster; actually, a striped lobster! The tanning light bulbs gave me a nice stripe on my…rear.

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John: I guess I could get a Trinity t-shirt.
Me: Someday you’re going to have too many t-shirts.
John: Yeah. And someday I’m going to be famous. And I’ll auction my t-shirts on e-bay like William Shatner’s kidney stone.

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jail bird

I recently found out that an ex-boyfriend is now in jail. I laughed pretty hard when I heard, and then felt guilty about laughing at someone else’s misfortune. Most likely my laughter was really covering my horrible embarrassment at ever having dating him. What was I thinking? And how did my friends stand by and let me make such crazy decisions? Perhaps they had faith I would eventually come to my senses?

Which I did. I’m so glad I waited to get married to the right person for me. I’m so glad I married JJ, the man of my dreams who sweeps me off my feet every single day. 🙂

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famous last words

On a fairly regular basis, I nearly get in accidents while driving. I’m either a bad driver who’s lucky, or a good driver who avoids getting in accidents even though opportunites arise all the time! (You can guess which one I wish were true…)

Well anyway, tonight was a close call. I was in the left-hand turning lane in the middle of the intersection when the light turned yellow. I looked at the cars coming toward me, and they were slowing down. So I turned left. However, a truck decided last minute to speed up through the intersection, which meant he was speeding toward me. We barely missed colliding, my heart nearly exploded out of my chest, and then I thanked God that one more time I was spared.

The whole experience taught me to watch my language. If we had collided and I had died, my last words on this earth would have been, “Holy hell!”

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oops!

Yesterday my husband looked at my stomach and then asked me if I was pregnant. Ummmm… Good thing I am not overly sensitive about that. (Sensitive, yes. But I got over it in a day.)

Meanwhile, it’s time to up the exercise and cut down on the fried and sugary foods, stat! I guess it’s going to be a slow recovery if I look pregnant. Yikes!

In other news, JJ and I finally have friends! Couple friends! I’ll post soon with the details.

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