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Archive for the ‘marriage’ Category

I wrote this post a LONG time ago and forgot to post it. But here you have it – how I met my husband:

Jamie had a really great post about how she met her husband, and she invited everyone else to post their ‘how we met’ story. So here is mine.

My story is different from many ‘how we met’ stories. It wasn’t in high school. It wasn’t even in college. I was twenty-nine when I met John. I had spent a lot of years meeting guys and going out on several hilarious and/or horrible dates with some of them. (Maybe I’ll recap some of them sometime. Because I had some funny ones.) I can’t say that I was an expert at dating, because boy was I ever NOT! But I knew what kind of guy I wanted to find, and I knew I’d know it when I saw him.

The year was 2004. I had decided on New Year’s day that 2004 would be the year I got married. I posted a quote by Gordon B. Hinckley that pointed toward the kind of guy I was looking for, and then I decided to just be and live my life. I adopted a zen-like attitude toward love — I would let each dating situation be what it was, and not expect more or less than that. I decided I needed to open my heart to possibility.

Anyway…on to the meeting part. John and I were in the same ward at church. I can’t remember the exact date of when I saw him, maybe March of 2004, but I know the feeling I had. I knew I wanted to get to know him; it felt inevitable that I would.

And then he and I both ended up at the Cheesecake Factory with several mutual acquaintances. He was the only guy there among a bunch of girls. At first, we were too shy to talk to each other, but when we did talk, we hit it off. We had both traveled, we both had interesting stories to tell. We had ‘flow’.

So woman of the new millennium that I am, I invited him to attend a lecture given by Ursula K. Le Guin. He turned me down. (Okay, he had a good reason, but still.) And then we both participated in a church activity, and afterward I got invited to hang out with people at an ex-boyfriend’s house. I didn’t want to go, but when I heard that John would be there, I couldn’t resist.

And John couldn’t resist me, obviously. He finally plucked up the courage and asked me out in June. We went with another couple to an astronomy lecture at the library (which actually turned out to be a lecture on extraterrestrials — we laughed so hard), went to In-N-Out Burger, and then played games. The other guy ended up kissing me on the cheek, which surprised me (it was part of the game).

Long story short (too late!), John ended up being in the position of dating me and another girl simultaneously. But I knew about the other girl and she knew about me. For reasons that will someday become clear to me, John couldn’t decide between the two of us. The other girl is great, don’t get me wrong, but we’re talking about ME!

This is the point at which my former self would have lost all nerve and self-esteem and give up on him. But I had commited to the zen-like attitude, and I trusted that what was right would happen. So I let our relationship be what it was, though I wasn’t quite sure what it was from day to day. Mostly we were friends, and we hung out and got to know each other.

Until the day that he chose the other girl. I know, right?! I was sad, but not overly. It was what it was, and I accepted that. But that didn’t stop me from getting to know another guy friend in the meantime. And dating the other girl didn’t stop John from still trying to spend time with me and flirt with me a little. So…I wasn’t that worried.

A week after he chose the other girl, he realized his ginormous error, and came back to me. I considered saying “no way — you had your chance,” but once again I kept my heart open, and I gave him a chance. Three months later we were engaged, and four months after that, we got married.

So I didn’t end up getting married in 2004 like I planned, but it was awfully close. And meeting John was the best thing that ever happened to me. We connect on so many levels, and he is my soul mate.

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PhD support group

There should be a support group for people with spouses in PhD programs. If there isn’t one already, I should create it.

Being the wife of a PhD student can be a lonely, frustrating experience. If you’ve had a spouse in school, perhaps you can relate, especially if it was/is a demanding program. I hardly see John, and when I do, he’s usually stressed out about something.

I make meals that I sometimes don’t get to eat with him. I sit in his ‘home office,’ quietly doing my own thing while he does homework just so I can spend time with him at all.

It’s not easy. Sometimes it’s really hard. I understand that being a PhD student is difficult (probably more difficult than I could hack), but being the spouse of one is hard too.

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puppy love

Oh my. I am messed up!

First, I guess I should say that we got a puppy last night. But today I’m not feeling so good about it. Where to begin?

I guess I’ll start by saying that once you get married, people begin pressuring you and asking you when you’re going to have kids—this has been my experience, anyway. And now that nearly a year has gone by in our marriage, some people have even wondered whether our marriage is okay. (Marital trouble cited as the reason we aren’t having kids yet.) For the record, our marriage is more than okay. I have the best husband in the world.

However, there are specific reasons why I am not ready for children yet. I know what these reasons are, and my husband knows. That’s all that matters to me. No one else needs to be involved.

But what does this have to do with a puppy? Well, the same reasons I’m not ready for children are causing me to feel not ready for a dog, either. Every time I’m around the puppy, I feel happy and excited. She’s a doll. But when I am not in her presence, I have major second thoughts and feel dreadful.

The reason I am messed up is this: How come I didn’t know I wasn’t quite ready for a dog YESTERDAY before we got the dog? Could have been useful information. Because now I just don’t know what to do. I’m torn. I love this dog. My husband loves this dog. But every time I think about it logically, my senses tell me I shouldn’t keep this dog. Which should be a good enough answer—if I feel so weird about it, I probably am not ready for a dog.

At the same time, though, I often get buyer’s remorse. I don’t know for sure why, but I do. Sometimes I feel sad about a purchase even though it was the right thing at the right time. It’s confusing.

The crappy thing is that we are getting quite emotionally attached to it. I know I’ll really be letting my husband down if I decide to take her back to the rescue. He loves her and doesn’t have any of the same hang-ups I do. However, he is being absolutely awesome about this. He hasn’t gotten upset even once about the fact that I’ve been pushing for a dog for months, and now when it finally happens I change my mind. He just tells me he wants me to be happy.

And I don’t feel deserving of that. It’s making me teary-eyed just thinking about how lucky I am to have a husband like that. I’m very confused. I don’t know what to do about it, but a decision must be made. I’m just glad my husband will support my decision no matter what it is. He’s the best.

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a rose by any other name

Chemist for now asked me a question in the comments for my previous post:

“hello. I’m just wondering about how you identify yourself. Do you define yourself as a wife just because it’s a new part of who you are or do you truly feel that this is your new identity and you’ve left the rest behind? Sorry if this seems too intense or personal, but I’m just wondering from a feminist perspective. Good luck with the depressing days, I know how those go.”

Interesting question and not too personal. Calling my blog “mrs ronk” definitely calls attention to my status as a wife. I think my reasons for identifying myself that way were really a combination of things.

For one, I was sick of my old blog site, and wanted a new one with a new name. This blog was created pretty much on a whim. My husband already had a site at blogger, which is what inspired me to switch over to blogger. His diary is “big ronk”. We had just gotten married when I started this blog, and it occurred to me to do a kind of twist on his blog. That part of it seemed natural—I didn’t have to agonize for days over the name and end up choosing some blog name I might later regret. (My former blog name—cryondemand—was based on my favorite musician and my emotional state at the time. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

I liked the name, and identifying myself as ‘mrs ronk’ doesn’t make me feel that I left my old identity behind at all. I’m still me. However, for me, getting married has changed my identity somewhat. My role as wife is very important to me and I’m not afraid to admit that. I’m not trying to hide my new identity as ‘wife’ nor let it obscure the other parts of me.

I do consider myself a feminist in some ways. Just ask my husband who has to deal with my diatribes sometimes! The funny thing is, in many cases I prefer the title ‘Ms.’, and my last name isn’t actually Ronk. So…what’s in a name?

I hope that clears it up. Thanks for asking.

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